Spiraling is inspiring
TW: suicide, mental health
14 days of Nirvana.
Me: It’s the end of the two weeks, should I stop myself or keep going?
Keith: Your deadlines are self-imposed. This is YOUR project and I think Nirvana resonates with you.
Day 14. It’s the end of my self-imposed time box. I’ve amassed 8 pages of typed notes, and several more in the margins of Come As You Are, a book about Nirvana by Michael Azerrad. I’m only halfway through.
Nirvana is loud.
One of the first things you learn about listening to Nirvana is that you gotta listen to it loud. No exceptions. On Day One I published my “Prelude to Nirvana” post and listened to “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. On Day 2 I started with the rest of the Nevermind album, and started with “In Bloom.”
The second thing you learn about listening to Nirvana is that it’s not lighthearted. No exceptions. The first thing that entered my ears was “SELLLLLLL THE KIDSSSS FOR FOOOOOOOD” which had me reaching for the pause button and embodying this emoji: 🙃. “Memoria” had me wondering what the lyrics were about, and “Breed” was quickly added to my dusty running playlist. These tracks were less exciting for me but what had me turning up the volume again was Lithium, the song that stopped me in my tracks.
I like it, I'm not gonna crack/ I miss you, I'm not gonna crack/ I love you, I'm not gonna crack/ I killed you, I'm not gonna crack
Do you ever get that churning sensation of knowing something or someone’s important at first encounter, regardless of how much time passes before the significance reveals itself? Knowing “the what” before discovering “the why”? This was Lithium at first listen. Inner dialogue: this one’s going to wreck me.
Punk is a lifestyle.
This was the track that got me cramming listens in between meetings, and having some tracks on repeat. “Lithium” was so potent that it took me a while before moving onto “Polly”. It was the kind of gut punch that had me reaching for my phone to call my mom and tell her IT’S NOT A PHASE IT’S A LIFESTYLE.
And that’s the next thing you learn about Nirvana. 49 pages into Come As You Are, the notes in the margins revealed a Chelsea in shock of the gory things happening to Kurt. Until I realized. He was making these gory things happen. It’s the lifestyle he adopted. Being a product of divorce is a happenstance and factors into responses, but vandalism is a choice.
Nirvana has had me reflecting a lot about the choices we make and what is in our control. A week in, I was driving down to Virginia Beach to mourn the loss of a high school friend, Z, who took her own life. While I was there, I reconnected with a friend, M, who delivered the news. M had relied on vices to cope in the past, which had me worried about how she would process this loss. When my suspicions were correct I was rendered powerless, confused, and deeply sad. How do I get her out of her situation? How do I help? Is she going to call me back?
Remembering Z.
Alone, I drove to the beach to pay my respects to Z. I played “Lithium” and then played “Clocks” by Coldplay. I have this memory of Z asking me if I could play Clocks on the piano in her basement. I hadn’t heard of the song at the time and she played the opening lick for me. That’s when I learned of her love for Coldplay.
The lyrics couldn’t have been more apt.
Thinking of Z.
“The lights go out and I can't be saved/ Tides that I tried to swim against”
Thinking of M.
“You are/ Confusion that never stops/ Closing walls and ticking clocks”
“Singin’ come out upon my seas/ Cursed missed opportunities”
Thinking of my place in all of this.
“Am I a part of the cure/ Or am I part of the disease? Singin’”
“Home, home, where I wanted to go”
Another gut punch. I sat in the sand and thought of the timeliness of it all, revisiting the vivid sleepover memories of three girls dreaming aloud the futures we would have. We never knew what would change in ten years.
My phone rang. On the other end of the line was a dear friend willing to process it with me. Suicide is hard to make sense of. The best way to care for a friend can be sharing hard truths while also keeping an open door. I started talking about how the deep Nirvana dive was morbid at a time like this, but so special and cathartic. I shared that writing about this, even if just to the air, was my way of making meaning during this hard time.
As it turns out, the act of making something out of mud was not unlike Nirvana’s process. For example, what do Nirvana’s lyrics even mean? Shallow research revealed “not much”. Many of Kurt’s lyrics were written moments before going on stage and revised in between takes in the studio. He wasn’t taking formal stances or seeking to provide answers for things. He was processing and making music. The stage was a rage room.
Stay tuned (or don’t).
In another time box of two weeks I’ll finish the book, exhaust the website materials, and deliver the goods. I’ll share reviews of the songs, compare my playlists to Apple + Spotify essentials playlists, and post the results to the void. Keith will deliver the second envelope and we’ll do it all again with another artist.
