Prelude to Nirvana
The music I need to hear comes to me when it matters most.
TW: suicide, mental health
What I didn’t touch on in my introductory post is my spiritual belief that whatever music I need to hear comes to me when it matters the most.
Billy Joel & Beethoven.
A recent example. Beethoven and Billy Joel were both near and dear to my heart in high school. Until this quest proves me otherwise, I will die on this hill that they are/were the greatest musicians of all time. Many a year I would think real loud “I want to meet Billy Joel before he dies” before blowing out my birthday candles, and by golly Keith and I went to see Billy Joel live at Madison Square Garden on March 26. What’s crazy is that we caught a Beethoven concert just before, performed by the famous Dover Quartet. The first violinist’s name is Joel Link. And then a few hours later in MSG, Billy Joel opened with Beethoven’s Ode To Joy melody. The music I need to hear comes to me when it matters the most.
Nina Simone.
A heavier example. I went through a difficult breakup in 2015. I wasn’t in a healthy relationship and anybody who has been there knows that the aftermath can feel even worse. Out of one fire into the next, experiencing triggers for the first time. Big ones like places we visited together. Small ones like cucumber melon soft soap. Nina Simone’s rendition of I Get Along Without You Very Well was the song that got me through. The lyrics are pining, but something about the tempo of her version strips away the longing. She doesn’t like that she feels the way she feels. As if her thoughts and her heart aren’t matching up. At least, that was the sentiment I projected onto this recording which I played on repeat each passing spring. ‘But then I should never ever think of spring/For that would surely break my heart in two’
Nirvana.
It is with a heavy heart that we start with Nirvana during this time frame. For a portion of this two week period I will be en route to my hometown to mourn the tragic loss of a high school friend. My trip will overlap the anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death, April 5. I realized this correlation on March 27, in my 27th year, the number of years Kurt Cobain walked the earth, and the age my friend would’ve turned next month. The music I need to hear comes to me when it matters the most.
When I think of my friend I think of the word “pursuit”. She pursued her friends, her faith, and her interests. She never half assed anything. She openly, actively, and aggressively wrestled with her mental health— her transparency was inspirational. She was fun loving and enjoyed getting her friends together. I remember being invited to her house to hang out with “just a few neighborhood friends”. When I got there, a bunch of people across various cliques were there… co-mingling! She knew how to bring people together. I lost touch with her after high school, but the memories that are still clear are the ones surrounding music, expression, fellowship, faith, and vulnerability.
I know the subject matter is morbid, but I’m dedicating this Nirvana experience to her. If she were here today, the person I remember would tell me to do what brings me joy and to put myself out there.
She often said the familiar quote, “Everything happens for a reason”.
